


keep me distracted (i’m begging you)

by InvadingThoughts



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Loneliness, No pairings - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Vanossgaming - Freeform, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-18
Updated: 2015-12-18
Packaged: 2018-05-07 11:30:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5454986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InvadingThoughts/pseuds/InvadingThoughts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"give me a happy and confident vanoss when he is with friends but when alone or with like one or two he’s a true mess. He freaks out, he grips his arms and hair, he’s a mess"</p>
            </blockquote>





	keep me distracted (i’m begging you)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for madkingpancake on tumblr!

It was something like a placebo effect, the way that Evan managed to continuously shine with confidence around the others. He always found himself watching his friends closely whenever they got the whole group together, eyes glued to the way Tyler stood with squared shoulders and the way Marcel seemed to scream dominance. If  _they_ could do it, then nothing was stopping Evan from joining in as well and it was that mindset that let Evan become another person entirely around his friends.

He fell into it easily, with a lazy smile on his lips and a series of well-timed jokes, the group managed to keep him grounded.  _Sometimes_ it almost felt real- the spark of self-confidence that bloomed in his chest- but then reality crashed down on him and Evan was left fumbling. 

“Shit, what time is it?... Dammit, I’ve gotta fockin’ run. Got an early morning tomorrow and you fockers have already kept me up too late,” Nogla complained, bolting up from the couch and moving towards the door, “later, guys,”

“Hmm, I hate to admit it, but Daithi’s right. I’ve gotta split too, I’ll catch you later dorks,” Tyler mumbled, stretching his arms above his head slowly. 

Evan couldn't stop his fingers from tightening their grip on his thighs, panic seeping in at the idea of his friends leaving him alone. All of the confidence they inspired in him fled the minute they left, and Vanoss wasn’t particularly ready to be left alone with his thoughts just yet.

“Hey Tyler? Can you give me a lift back to my hotel, please? It’s way to late to call an Uber and I  _really_ don’t want to walk,” Craig begged and Tyler just snorted in response.

“Yeah sure, Mini. C’mon, let’s get out of here,” he laughed and Evan’s eyes tracked them as they left through the same door that Nogla had just a few seconds prior. 

It didn’t take long before the rest of the group started shrinking, each of them giving their own reasons for leaving and then it was just Evan, Brock and Lui; left sitting in Evan’s apartment in total silence.

“Um... you okay, Evan?” Brock asked quietly and Vanoss found himself quickly glancing up at his friend in confusion. Moo licked his lips slowly, glancing over at Lui quickly before explaining, “well... ah. You’re shaking like a leaf, and... and your fingers are turning purple with how... tight you’re gripping your leg.”

Evan couldn't stop himself from flinching at Brock’s words, hating himself for letting his panic show so easily in front of them. He kept his eyes downcast as he shrugged, trying to downplay his freak out as something trivial and simple.

“Uh, it’s nothing,” he mumbled, taking his hand off of his knee and instead resting it on the soft fabric of the couch he was sitting on. He let his fingers trail over the fabric, absent-mindedly stroking it in an attempt to distract himself from shaking.

“Evan!”

“What?” he asked raising his head, but by the look on their faces Evan quickly realised that they’d been trying to get his attention for a few minutes, “S-sorry, I’m just tired, that’s all.”

Lui nodded in understanding, quite easily accepting Evan’s lie but with Brock it was another story. Evan could clearly see the suspicion in his eyes as they all stood up and walked to the door, Brock’s eyes watching the way Evan had his hands clenched into fists at his sides. Evan ignored his friend, letting out a low sigh and instead turned his attention towards Lui. 

He was paused, standing at the threshold of Evan’s apartment, glancing back at them over his shoulder. Vanoss raised an eyebrow at him, a shaky smile on his lips as he waited for Lui’s next move. He could feel the dread that ran through him at the thought of Lui or Brock calling him out, at them putting two and two together and realising that Evan was a fraud. He wasn’t confident, or charming and he certainly wasn’t worth the worried look that was hidden in Moo’s eyes.

“Hey Evan, you know we’re here for you right? If you ev-”

“Yeah Lui,” he interrupted, advancing towards his friend to wrap him up in a weak hug, “I know to come talk to you guys if I need help, b-but I swear I’m just tired... it is past three am you know,”

Lui nodded his head and smiled before waving his hand, he turned and disappeared into the darkness and Evan could only just see him walking to his car. He felt horrible for pushing his friends out of his home, but he was barely keeping himself together and he needed to be alone.

“Brock-” he began, twisting his body around to look at him.

“I get it... you’re not ready to talk about whatever it is that’s got you so panicked, but Lui was telling the truth, dude. We’re all here for you, whenever you’re ready. J-just remember that, yeah?” Brock muttered, a small genuine smile on his lips. Evan let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and nodded, glad that Brock wasn’t going to push the subject any further.

He watched silently as Brock made his way to the door, only pausing slightly to throw a concerned look over his shoulder at Evan before following after Lui- disappearing into the night. Evan closed the door behind his friend, counting down the seconds in his head until the feeling of loneliness crashed over him and left him in a mess.

He managed to make it to fifteen, with only a few steps separating him and his bedroom, before he felt himself shatter. His breaths turned into quick gasps, almost as if someone had their hand around his neck and his hands automatically moved to pull at his hair. He could feel all of his confidence rush out of him- like a leaking balloon- and Evan crumpled into a heap, his legs no longer managing to hold him up anymore.

Evan sobbed loudly, fingers digging into the skin on his arms as Lui’s and Brock’s words floated around his head. They made it seem so easy, as if they wouldn’t treat him any differently if he bared his soul to them and Evan cringed at the idea of showing them...  _him_. Showing them  _this_. 

It was something like a placebo effect, the way that Evan managed to keep a straight face and a steady hand whenever he was around his friends. The way he managed to smile happily every time they talked before breaking down into a complete sobbing mess once they left. It was a cycle, something he was doomed to repeat. 

Evan wrapped his arms around his legs tightly, burring his face in his knees and curled up in on himself... counting down the seconds until his pain turned into numbness that ached to be chased away by the smiles of his friends.


End file.
